Thursday, November 25, 2010


Days go by and I’m getting calls and comments from both sides. Queens VS Rockland. Queen is too far and Rockland would be uncomfortable for D (the baby’s father) to attend the shower because of our history. Its clear that there’s suppose to be two showers but money is the issue and Tania is not coming out saying she honestly wasn’t planning to do all the things she said she was going to do for me out of her own pocket and Shennel is giving her righteous opinion about every little detail and everyone s just talking and getting stupid and spreading the shit to me, I’m consistently asking, isn’t this suppose to be a surprise am I suppose to share the stress of these planning events JUST CANCEL THE WHOLE SHIT! They get it under control, for two seconds and back to fuck with me the next two. Shennel stories lead to more questions and comments from Tania and stress for me, that leads to everyone stressing me telling me "not to stress it’s not good for the baby" “I will talk to you about it later" just the funniest shit ever.
My mom calls me and lets me now she will be helping out with the shower in Rockland which made sense to me. I was also informed that the only aunt I have on my moms side or let alone have will not be attending my shower because she  doesn’t support the fat I'm having a child and I’m not married, Radical Christians? Maybe I should have gotten an abortion nd came to the church and praise the Lord with the rest of the phonies lol was very pissed the fuck off and planned on not speaking a word to her for the rest of my unmarried life. But that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else "because I need help and shouldn’t burn my bridges" I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT A BRIDGE AND DIDNT PLAN ON NEEDED ANYONE FOR SHIT.  I work hard and don’t ask for favors and still I feel out of control of my own shit. Unable to express myself while others talk about me and express whatever the hell they feel and I should take it and smile. All the stress and gossip..Where does the shower fit in?


Just when I thought things were getting better : / my friend Tania hits me with a text asking for my "baby’s daddy’s" number. I was confused what for? Figured out it has to be about the baby shower so I texted my cousin Nicole to confirm and she did. Weeks of drama for me. Tania was talking a good game as if she just needed a little of help from my mom, Nicole and the father of my child, but if they didn’t help she would be fine she has it all figured out. She started calling the very few friends and family I did have and more drama began. I didn’t tell too many people about my pregnancy, how do you just spread the news? I don’t now but my talkative cousin Shennel had a clue and told Tania all about the wrong moves she feels I had from beginning to end, from the father to how I failed to broadcast the news to the family. It’s funny to me because my family is as close as oil is to water. So her whole dramarific story she told about me to Tania who she never met during their first phone call conversation really blew my mind and left me wanting to put hands on her. Shennel disapproved on every idea Tania had and didn’t suggest a damn thing. I ended it all saying do two separate showers…its was a go…at the time.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Applying for government assistance is the most annoying thing you could image, especially in a large city like Queens. The line to get in the building alone seemed as if, Michael Jackson resurrected and was giving a free concert for his return. The line was down the block and turned the corner and continued down further. Imagine standing on line being baked by the sun, surrounded by all sorts of people: miserable, content, sick, those beating the system, those being beat by the system, all sharing their experiences and stories about the system we were all waiting to apply or comply to. The worse part is being surrounded by a cloud of cigarettes, throat feels like it is being striped apart. Once you get in the building your being welcomed by the most unwelcoming people, who act as if they cannot loose their job and be in the same situation, just to sit there for hours and hours on end scared to eat, scared to pee just incase you miss your number being called. All kinds of people come in through there, well dressed looking like they walked out of a magazine, Prada shoes, Gucci etc and some look like they crawled out the garbage, all and all we are all there gathered waiting to see what we can get from what we should be entitled to, especially me I’ve been working since I was 12 years old and was fired July 2010, (of course not the same job)  its not like I’m lazy and been unemployed for 10 years for no reason. Regardless of my efforts, I sat a HRA ~ Hell Right Around …..the corner.

Friday, October 1, 2010


I was sick as shit. I’m not too sure of how I got a cold but I have an idea. Most nights I get incredibly hot and I sweat, so I would turn the fan on and let it focus on me while I sleep. As time went on I was seeing my health begin to change, I was slowly feeling miserable and my breathing was becoming a little difficult. I began every natural remedy I thought would work to avoid having to take medicine that was being recommended to me. I drank some lemon tea with the Halls steaming from the bottom of my cup, the ones in the blue packaging, I also kept a cough drop in my mouth while drinking. I made chicken noodle soup for myself and days that were real bad I would eat canned soup. These things helped out for like an hour but didn’t do too much. It came to the point were I realized I had to let it run its course, but I continued my intake of orange juice, Halls and tea. The amount of sneezing and coughing I was doing was unbearable. The cold couldn’t come at a better time, I was starting a new job and accepted a three day assignment to substitute teach at my old high school. On top of that I had four classes to attend on Tuesday and Thursday. This would consist of a lot of traveling, my new job was in Queens and my college is in New York City and the location to where I had to substitute teach is located in Rockland County, so it goes without saying I needed a car, thank God my mom let me use hers. I was cutting things very close and being sick was definitely slowing me down. It was so hard to breathe however, I didn’t really have time to visit the emergency room, sounds crazy I know but I needed to stay committed to these things to make sure I had some definite money coming in and stay on top of my school work. When the weekend came around I was able to visit the emergency room, which in my opinion should be renamed to the waiting room, because that’s all you really do, no matter what your condition. I would think a pregnant woman weezing would be an emergency but no, lol eventho it took me sometime to get there but they don’t know that. I basically had to curse people out to get some attention paid to my respiratory system. The staff was very inhuman. Long story short me and my sister Keri were waiting there for about 6 hours just for prescriptions of steroids and my asthma pump. The best part of that experience was that I was craving some Dunkin Donuts, the whole time, and was kinda pooped I know I wouldn’t be able to really taste it. After the nebulizer and  right after I was discharged we went straight to Dunkin donuts : ) I got two glazed donuts and one glazed cake, there was milk in the house surprisingly. I was in heaven, and washed my busy work week away.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Due to my close to none income, I still manage to save money for my baby. Whatever donations I get I put a percentage away. I also recycle, yes I collect bottles. It was the most consistent way I was able to save money before I got the gigs I'm working on now. I mainly collect water bottles because they take less time to clean and are not as sticky as soda cans. I get teased about it often, but it doesn’t bother me, I look real fancy every time I cash them in : ) I know its slow and easy change but, it adds up. I never use it or borrow from it, its all my baby's no matter how in need I’m in I will not use it. I get about $3 to $6 a week. I'm not too sure for what I’m saving it for, but I always get suggestions. Some suggest I use it for clothes shopping, a stroller and etc. I don't ask for any suggestions, but hey that’s what human beings do naturally. At the end of the day I need to find away to make money to take care of my wants and need, transportation, continue saving money for the baby and saving money for after labor. If I put away a good amount I will not have to worry about rushing off to work and not being able to spend time and bond with my baby.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I'm kinda young. Still on the path of finding what path I should be on, however, I'm gonna be a mommy : ) and that’s one of my definite paths I must walk. I don’t believe there are "perfect moms" simply because there’s no perfect person. I do believe, there are great moms. And that is the role I'm planning to exceed. Currently, my career is not as solid as it should be, my income is shady. During my first few months of pregnancy I was employed with an appliance company as part time clerical worker, working full time hours. When I realized the responsibility I was being blessed with, I then requested full time status and full time benefits. Everything seemed to go down from there. Shortly after getting word that I was a full time employee, I was fired due to the fact I didn't smile enough! Lol as you see in my avatar I have a very pretty smile :) can't have too much of a good thing you know. I thought to myself what do I do from here? I barely had money while I was working, now I have no money coming in. This day cannot not get worse. I checked the mail once I got home to see if they set my insurance packet I was waiting for weekz and weekz, I guess I just wanted to put myself even further down, but to my surprise there was an acceptance letter from John Jay College graduates programs so I was happy about that. When one door closes another opens. But the next morning I woke up over the whole thing, there was that unholy insurance packet with the company's name displayed in bold red : (I was so pisssed off. “How Rude" Moving along, I then had no choice but to file for unemployment, which I received no benefits. Eve after claiming benefits every week and receiving my card to have access to my benefits. I also applied for public assistance and food stamps didn’t get that either. I don’t know where YOU live but its not free money anymore they make you work for it. I reported to a back to work program Monday to Friday 9 to 5 and that’s before they reviewed or approved my case. Now they have placed me with a job cleaning city parks for $8 hr parks. Did I mention I'm five months Prego and in school studying for my master's. What are they thinking?! I know, I was thinking the same. At this time I've only been unemployed for 2 weeks and there are people in the program including men who haven't worked in 6 to 10 years. Through all these things I try really hard to stay positive and keep my mind on things I really want for myself. I try hard to get the best and so far, I don't smile enough, haven't found a perfect way for my degree to work for me, working hard to obtain Medicaid benefits that I'm entitled too, and not getting them, looking for a job, and trying to maintain my sexy on zero income. But I'm surviving the times. : )